Dwarfgate
by mattjabarr
Summary: A Stargate SG-1 and Red Dwarf cross over. Running in conjuction with Pbellosom's "" in the Red Dwarf section.
1. Default Chapter

This is a joint fic between me and Pbellosom. This is a crossover between the crew of Red Dwarf and SG1. I will be writing from the point of view of O'Neill from SG-1. In the Red Dwarf section you will find a fic of the same name as this by Pbellosom. That is the same story as this but from Lister's point of view. It is not necessary to read them both but it helps. Chapters will be posted on both fics at the same time. In Stargate it is series two. This is written in the style of 1st person. This contradicts "Waiting for God." Ah well who gives a smeg. If it really annoys you "Waiting for God" was randomly set in an AU where the SGC closed down and never went public while every other episode was set in this AU where they did go public.

I do not own Stargate SG-1 or any characters, nor does Pbellosom.

I am Colonel Jack O'Neill of the SGC. I run the team SG-1, included in this team are Captain Samantha Carter, Dr. Daniel Jackson and an alien, Teal'c. Teal'c is a Jaffa and used to serve the Goa'uld. He turned against them and decided to join us so that he could free his people. These are the personal files of Jack O'Neill, section 24, mission to P3X-784.

I ran my hands through my hair. Daniel was talking about mythology again, I hardly knew what that meant! Sam was talking to Teal'c about the Goa'uld technology and how the United States could someday produce their own. We were all standing in the briefing room.

"So you see, Jack, the Goa'uld could be the basis of all mythology," said Daniel excitedly.

"Daniel, you've told me this about a million times before, and, contrary to your beliefs, I do not find it more interesting each time you say it," I said flatly. He really had told me this many times before, and it was getting annoying.

Just then General Hammond entered. He sat down at the head of the table and smiled at us all, and signalled that we should sit down. He nodded to the lieutenant, who had been standing next to him, who nodded back and left the room. There was a click as the door was locked.

"Briefing may begin when ready, captain," said Hammond smiling.

"Thank you sir. As you all know we plan to go to P3X-784. This planet holds great..." Sam said. This was the point where, in most briefings, I fell asleep. Although that day I had had a really good night's sleep, so I settled for a brain shut off. Sam talked for what must have been hours, occasionally interrupted by Daniel asking questions. Probably about mythology.

"So that concludes the briefing," said Sam sitting down. Good, I thought, now we can actually go to the planet.

"Just one more point, Sam. Where is..." Daniel started saying, but I couldn't help but get lost in the shower of words. My brain once again shut off.

"Ok, thank you SG-1. You are free to complete the mission. You leave at 0800 tomorrow," said Hammond. He got up, unlocked the door and walked out.

"Tomorrow? Why can't we go today?" I asked frustrated.

"Sir, its 8 'o'clock in the evening," explained Sam.

"I know! That doesn't mean we can't go now!" I said again, Daniel looked at me.

"Look, why go now? You heard what Sam said in the briefing. We should go tomorrow," argued Daniel. I had no idea what Sam had said in the meeting, so I said:

"Yeah, fine." What else was I supposed to say?

That evening around 9 'o'clock the team and I went into the canteen. I had a glance at the hot food, and then went straight onto the cold food. The serving lady gave me my usual cheese sandwich. I said thanks and went to sit at a table. I saw Daniel go up to the cold food aisle and get; a bit of French bread and butter, and a cheese sandwich. He usually ate this, unless it was Friday when they served chips. He came over and sat at my table, quickly followed by Sam, who had a plateful of pasta, sauce and cheese, lots and lots of cheese. Teal'c didn't really eat much and today just had a drink, but he still came to sit with us.

"So what artefacts can we expect to find on this planet, Captain Carter?" asked Teal'c.

"Well the probe sent back images of pottery and wooden carvings, but hopefully we'll also find some forms of technology that might help us against the Goa'uld," explained Sam.

"All we'll find is pottery. There won't be any form of technology there at all," I said putting a dampener on things. Sam's smile wavered a little, and Daniel still looked excited.

"Not necessarily Jack. They could be a race far superior to ours," said Daniel.

"I doubt it," I said. Daniel looked at me scathingly. "What, I'm just giving my opinion!" I protested. He got on with eating and so did I.

After that I went straight to bed, thinking that the sooner I got to sleep, the soon I would get to leave Earth. I was just settling down to sleep when there was a knock at the door. I shook my head and then got up. I opened the door slowly and Daniel burst in.

"Look, the probe sent back images of writing! It is very similar to ancient Greek. Look it says; anthropos ei katheudonï¡ That means; The man he is sleeping! Amazing isn't it?" asked Daniel enthused.

"Yes, very, now go away!" I said and pushed him out. As I was closing the door he said something.

"Kallos nuxï¡ï That means beautiful night, it's the nearest translation to..." and with that I gently, but firmly closed the door.

I stood in the Stargate room looking at the circle in front of me. It was big and greyish, with lots of little symbols around the side. I was bored! It was now 0823 hours and there was no sign of Daniel. Just when I had given up hope, Daniel pushed in with a massive bag on his back.

"Sorry, I had to get all my things together," panted Daniel.

"We're not going for a year Daniel," I said amazed at the size of the bag.

"No, these are all my books on Ancient Greek. I thought we should try to communicate at least," said Daniel still panting.

"Daniel, the probe didn't show anybody was there," said Sam looking at him.

"I know, just in case," said Daniel looking slightly disgruntled.

"Is everyone ready? Good let's go! Lieutenant," said Hammond over the intercom.

"Yes sir," said the voice of the lieutenant. The circle began to spin. "Chevron one encoded. Chevron two encoded, chevron three encoded, chevron four encoded, chevron five encoded, chevron six encoded," there was a slight pause and then, "Chevron seven locked! SG-1 you have clearance!"

I looked at my team and nodded. We all walked up to the Stargate, the blue, shimmering pool of light in front of us. We walked through.

I cannot begin to describe what it feels like to be sent through the Stargate. It is one of those things that you really do have to experience yourself. Sam says you get chopped into individual little atoms and whisked through a wormhole, which is, apparently, is a fold in space that can transport you to another place in space within seconds. It doesn't feel like this at all! All I can explain is that it is cold!

I stumbled a little when I exited the Stargate. I was getting more used to the disorientation now, but still not completely over it.

"Wow! Look at this place!" said Daniel amazed.

"Daniel it is just..." I started to say as I stood up, but then I saw it too. The probe had not begun to capture the enormity of the place. It was a building, and in it were millions, upon millions of various machines. None of them were working and there was no-one to be seen.

"Looks like it is a salvage mission then sir?" asked Sam grinning.

"Yeah... yeah... bring back as many things as you can," I said. "Daniel, can you read the labels or something?"

"Sure Jack. This one say... No way! It says; attach this to the Stargate to boost the power. With this you can... you can..., I can't read that bit, oh, wait it say you can... send a traveller both ways?" translated Daniel amazed. Sam picked up the small device.

"How do you plug it in, any instructions?" she asked eagerly.

"No, but look at the Stargate! It has already got one in it!" said Daniel turning to look at the Stargate. I looked as well, on the side there was a small object sticking out of an invisible input device. Sam went to look at it.

"Excellent, our Stargate must have one as well! We should plug a few in!" she said excitedly.

"Look, Sam! This one says; attach to Stargate to make the Stargate a time machine!" said Daniel. Sam went over to look. Teal'c was next to me slowly picking up items and, making sure they had a label, stuck them in his bag. Eventually he said;

"My pack is full Colonel O'Neill."

"Ok Teal'c. So is mine!" I said. Teal'c nodded at me. "All right kids! Let's go back through!"

"Ok, but we have to come back here," said Daniel and Sam.

"Ok," I shrugged. I started dialling home. The Stargate activated and we walked through.

Back on Earth now, I sat in Hammond's office listening to him drivelling on.

"Sounds like you had an amazing find colonel," said Hammond looking at me.

"Yes sir, pretty amazing," I said.

"In fact, we decided that SG-1 should test one of these devices," said Hammond smiling at me.

"What? What about the probes?" I asked.

"Well, we're just trying out the two way gate one. You take a box of tissues throw them back, shut of the Stargate, come back through and we'll see if it worked," said Hammond.

"I still can't see why the probes can't do this," I said.

"Colonel, are you scared?" asked Hammond. I shook my head. "I didn't think so! Now let's go. You leave in ten minutes."

I stood in the Stargate room next to the team. I saw the newly installed device in the Stargate. Sam and Daniel were bobbing up and down with excitement. The Stargate turned on. Instead of the usual blue, a green pool of shimmering light appeared. I was amazed. The team and I walked up to the gate and walked through.

I cannot begin to describe this feeling. Imagine being turned round and round in a washing machine. Then pulled out and put on one of those teacup rides in a them park. Then imagine going on a Ferris wheel that is spinning way to fast. That, all together, is half as bad as the feeling we felt. When we reached the other side of the gate we fell out. The ground was hard, and I heard Sam grunt. The blackness in front of me looked so inviting, but I fought. I looked up.


	2. Chapter 2

In front of me were three men. They did not look like the people we usually encountered through the Stargate. One of them looked like a slob, and another had an "H" on his head. What did that stand for? The other was wearing a yellow suit. Then I noticed that they were standing in a Goa'uld encampment! No matter what they looked like, it was still trouble. I tried to raise my gun, but the blackness won...

I woke up in a bed. It was a comfortable bed. I looked to my right. Daniel was lying there. I gave him a kick and he woke up.

"Jack? What happened?" he asked.

"I don't know," I whispered back. I looked left and saw Sam just waking up. Teal'c was in the bed next to hers and was now sitting up looking at me.

"Where are we?" asked Sam.

"I have no idea! We used that two way thing. Then I remember seeing three guys and next thing I know I'm here! What time is it?" I asked. I looked down at my watch. There was someone in it. Not the whole body, just a bald and extremely ugly head. "Guys? Does anyone else have an ugly bald guy in their watch?"

"What?" asked Daniel. I saw him look at his watch and widen his eyes in disbelief.

"Good, I'm not going mad," I said. The head in the watch smiled at me and nodded.

"'Ello dudes! 'Ow's it hangin'?" asked the face, "I'm Holly by the way. I'm the computer aboard the ship Red Dwarf! I have an I.Q of 6000!"

"Red Dwarf?" asked Sam.

"Wait 'ere! Don't go anywhere! I'll get the rest of the crew!" said the head. He stayed on the watch but had a far away expression.

"The rest of the crew? Who are they?" asked Daniel.

"In all my years of travel I have not heard of a space craft named Red Dwarf," said Teal'c. I looked at my watch. The door opened. I groped for my weapon and found it wasn't there.

"Aowwww!" shouted a man as he entered the room. He was spinning around. He wore a yellow suit and had fangs. After him came a man with locks and a strong smell. Then the man with an "H" on his head. The face appeared on a screen this time. I looked from them to my team. They all looked shocked. I was also shocked. It's not every day this kind of thing happened. Well, actually, in the SGC it kind of does!

"Ere. I know who you guys are," said the bald head, Holly. "There was a picture of you in a book I was reading. You're those guys aren't you? SG-1 or somfink."

"What book was that?" I asked. The head looked embarrassed. He looked from me to the slob and back to me again.

"The Junior Encyclopaedia of History. It's like that one on space, only it's about history and stuff."

Daniel looked amazed. He looked at the head and then said, "The Junior Encyclopaedia of History?" I thought that was a rather rude thing to say, and evidently so did the head.

"Yeah! You got a problem with that?" asked Holly.

"History? We're in a History book?" asked Daniel, I was now starting to catch on. The Stargate had not gone public! How did anyone even know that we existed.

"Yeah, history! You're dead!" said Holly.

"What?" asked Daniel.

"You're dead! You all died in the year 2072! I don't know what happened... I'm a slow reader," said Holly.

"What year is it now?" asked Sam.

"I don't know? Take 3024 or somethin' like that, add three million years..." said Holly. My eyes widened in shock. So did Daniel's.

"How did we get here?" I asked. Daniel was starting to look guilty. "What is it Daniel?"

"Well, I did drop two of the machines. I put the labels on like I thought I should! I must have got it wrong..." said Daniel sheepishly.

"Which one?" I asked.

"The time travel one," said Daniel.

"Oh, great!" I said.

"Excuse me, but who are you?" said the slob in a very strong Liverpudlian accent.

"We're SG-1! From Earth," I said. "I am Colonel Jack O'Neill. This is my team; Captain Samantha Carter, Dr. Daniel Jackson, and Teal'c."

"But... I'm supposed to be the last human alive," said the man.

"Come to Earth, it's swarming with them!" I said.

"Jack, this is in the future! Earth might not even exist!" said Daniel. He looked at the slob, who looked really happy to see us. The man in the yellow suit went up to Sam. I started to rise out of the bed.

"Hey pretty lady! I'm the Cat!" said the man, "I'd like to make you squeal!" I got up and walked over to the "Cat" and swung him round. I then threw him onto the work table.

"I don't know who you are, but if you don't stop it I'll kill you!" I shouted. The slob ran up to me and tried to pull me off Cat.

"Hey man! He didn't mean no harm! He's a cat!" shouted the slob.

"What?" I asked letting go. The slob looked at me.

"Let's get a beer milkshake," he said.

"A what?" I asked.

"You'll see," he said and showed us out.

We all sat around a table. The slob had now introduced himself as David Lister. The man with the "H" on his head said that his name was Arnold Rimmer and that he was dead. He was apparently a Hologram. Lister told us his crazy story, about how he had smuggled a cat aboard the ship, and was sentenced to eighteen months in stasis. He told of how the rest of the crew had dies, and how Holly had let him out three million years later. He told of the race that had evolved from his pet cat, Frankenstein. Told how Rimmer had been brought back as a hologram.

In return we told them our story, of the Goa'uld, the gate, the SGC, and all the planets we had visited. They listened very closely.

"So, how do you plan to get home?" asked Lister. Teal'c got up and poured himself another drink. Rimmer cringed and whispered under his breath; "Oh god, he's a Jaffa!"

"We don't know! There must be a way!" argued Daniel. I looked at him.

"Why? We don't know that for sure," I said. Daniel looked back at me.

"The book said we don't die until 2072! The book must be right!" said Daniel. I looked at Lister and rolled my eyes.

"He's always like this! Long haired know-it-all," I said. Daniel looked sad for a minute and then brightened up.

"Are there any Goa'uld left?" he asked.

"Yes! Well, there were three million years ago! When we left there were small pockets of Goa'uld resistance. So, I'm not sure whether they'd still be around," said Rimmer.

"Oh. Well, how are we going to get home Daniel?" I asked. Lister looked at me, he looked as though he wanted us to stay. But we couldn't. Daniel thought for a minute and then said;

"I don't know! Ask Sam," I though this was a very good idea.

"Carter? How do we get home?" I asked. Sam looked at me.

"Well, we'd have to make one of the devices that we put on the Stargate, then we'd have to find a Stargate, plug it in, find out how to make it go back three million years, then dial home and... that's it sir!" she explained. I sat there for a second and then turned to Daniel.

"This is all your fault, you know that?" I asked. He nodded. Teal'c walked past Rimmer. Rimmer jumped, then he stood up pretending to go look at some consoles. I sighed, we were never going to get home.

"Well, we can find you a Stargate! I'm not sure about that funny thing you stick on it," Lister said. He turned to Rimmer. "Rimmer, man! Let's get moving!"


End file.
